kitty here, okay so apartently I DO have a few loose screws?!?! my beloved camera, you know the one that takes all the pics up on this blog is falling apart! two of the screws fell out and the rest are loose, it's not even a year old!! Kodak better hook me up with some good screws or I am gonna raise hell. I know normally you raise hell first then get a good screw but you all know I am ass-backwards. okay so I just needed to vent my small problems, thanks :)
Hi all, Kitty here! well we had a fun time celebrating Aunt Joyce's birthday friday, if ya missed it you'll just have to check out the pictures. anyway summers coming to an end only 9 more days and the kids are back at scholl sooo... Angie was thinking it was time for a pajama party. She will be announcing the date soon, so check the blog or better yet come out and sing. See ya there!!
Well, since it's been so dang long since I've posted, I just read all the wonderful comments that you've all posted and want to thank ALL of you! You KNOW I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!! Kitty says yer all my "MINIONS"!!!! LOL! Now BOW DOWN BEFORE THE ONE YOU SERVE!!!! So here's all the low that's goin down in MY life!
I talk to "GWAR" dude quite a bit! He says he's comin to see me and he's bringin ALL his band guys with! Could you IMAGINE the freakin PARTY we'd have at my house with GWAR playin?!!! But of COURSE we'd have to shut them down so WE could SHUT UP AND SING!!!! Bahahha! He told me he was bringin the huge penis that shoots out the liquid at the audience...then he said he'd also be bringin the MECHANICAL one they use onstage!!! DOH!!! LMAO!!! But who knows when or IF that'll happen! He says after their tour but I don't believe ANYTHING a fuckin MAN tells me! So whatever queer!!! LOL! Let's see what else?! Oh yea... "he's" still a DICK!!! And we all know who "HE" is! I prefer NOT to see, say, or even TYPE "his" name! He makes me wanna puke!!! So does his SKANK!!! Yea SKANK I KNOW who you are!!! But at least you were NEVER my friend!!! I never really even LIKED you!!! But guess what?!!! Neither does ANYONE ELSE!!! Oh, I've heard from a BUNCH of people from Mr. T's...they're ALL comin after ya if you don't pay them ALL back their money!!! Just a public service announcement! Ya know I do public service announcements for the GOOD of it! Ya know...so ya'll don't hook up with WHORE and git HERPES and now everyone knows not to loan SKANK money...and SKANK knows that people are lookin for her! Well she's quite LARGE and with those GROWTHS ON HER TITS...it shouldn't be HARD to find! Did I say IT??? Oh I'm sorry I mean SHE! Okay...so there was drama at Trickys a couple weeks ago. A van FULL of dudes and a chick pulled up on a Saturday night. Well it was exceptionally DEAD because of Pams pig roast across the street. (oh thanks for the fun time Pam! And Donny...the pig was GREAT!!!) That was the BEST roasted pig I've EVER had! YUMMY!!! Anyway....So they were stayin at some hotel cuz their cousin had just gotten married. I guess they're all from the city! So they were pretty lit by the time they got there. Well Cheryl was on the verge of gittin gropped...they were sayin offensive things to ALL of the women and gittin handsy. Then some guys from the pool room started with the drunkies, but when the REAL drunk dude came over and tried to touch my sound board THAT'S when my "SEETHER" came out!!! I grabbed dudes arm and twisted as hard as I could and told him if he EVER tried to touch my equipment again he'd be pullin back a bloody STUMP!!! Gawd I'm SO tough!!!! Bahahaha!!! Well I'M not but "SEETHER" is...right WHORES???!!!! And we all know who the WHORES are don't we?!! "HIM" and CARRIE BOYES!!! It should be BOYLES! Oh no SHE don't have the BOILS on her TITS...that would be SKANK! Gawd I'm gittin all "his" conquests! "hawktoo" <~~~~me gaggin and spittin out the NASTY taste of all THAT! Anyway gittin back to the drama at Trickys...sorry, totally went on a rampage didn't I? So the drunkie kinda backed away and the arguing amoungst the drunkies and pool room dudes were startin to escalate and now BOB was into it with the drunkies to cuz he was defendin all of us uhhhh "ladies" honor! Kiss kiss Bob! Yer a SWELL guy! So NOW I have to call in the BIG GUNS!!! Dundundun!!! BIG DADDY!!!! So I tell Big Daddy that there's trouble happenin (wich I had called him earlier and told him to stand by cuz me and Cassie had a BAD feelin cuz there was OTHER stuff that happened that I can't talk about but those close to me knows what happened.) So he said he'd be right there but by the time I got back inside the punches were SECONDS away! So then came the call to 911! Bob was surrounded by 7 guys and he wasn't ABOUT to git his butt kicked because Big Daddy took his own sweet time gittin there! So the cops showed up and by that time we had gotten drunkies outta the bar and in the parkin lot. I by this point had shut down the music cuz that seemed to intensify matters. So I went outside to keep the peace! bahahaha!!! Drunkies had called their hotel to be picked up so the cops just hang out till they all left! The one dude that was with the party that was with the girl is in a band in the city and he was suppose to give me his web address so I could find out when they were playin. So band dude...if you read this email me and lemme know! Sorry man I don't remember the name of yer band or I'd look it up myself! So it wasn't BIG drama just a little! So I went to the doctor Thursday and they did the biopsy! OMG!!!! I'm layin there with my feet all up in the stirrups...ladies you can ALL identify with that uncomfortable feelin (and maybe one or two of you guys out there) bahbhbahahaha! Anyway...so she tells me, "Okay now...yer gonna feel a little cramping while I'm doing this procedure." A fuckin LITTLE crampin!?!!! OMG!!! I IMMEDIATELY started to cry then my ass comes up off the table cuz the pain just got worse! Then I tried to do that whole "breathin" thing they do when they have babies...and I say "they" cuz MY babies were all CUT outta me! Yea...T.M.I. I KNOW! So THAT totally didn't work! It's takin all I had not to scream...I MOANED really loud though...I was SO embarrassed...but when it comes to THAT kinda pain down....there....I have NO tolerance.....unless it's GOOD pain! Teehee! So now I'm gonna git a little graphic so parents you might wanna send yer kids outta the room....lol....So you all know about the procedure I had 3 years ago to help with the pain from my periods....well somethin with that proceedure has gone totally bad....Lyndsey...I can't pronounce the name of it so can you post a comment and tell everyone the name of it so everyone knows NOT to have this done...especially by DR. SHANE!!!!! Or that other idgit doctor who's name I can't pronounce! Hell...I didn't even know there WAS another doctor in the room helpin with this procedure. Lyndsey is gonna post a Public Service Announcement for all of you! Hopefully she still reads my blog seein as how I don't post much anymore! I'll call her....okay...gawd I DO have a way of totally gittin off topic huh! Whatever queers...so this procedure has prevented me from havin a "normal" kinda period. This new doctor thinks maybe my cervix is so tight that the little that I DO bleed now won't come out so it just sits up in there and gits yuckie! So as she's attemptin to slice a piece of flesh outta my uterus all she can see is BLOOD! (See I TOLD you this was graphic...but it's a PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT people!!!) So she doesn't know if she got enough to be able to git a reading from...and what she's checkin for is cancer cells I guess. So she said she'd call me in a week and let me know the results. But if I don't have cancer then we're gonna have to figure out what to do with this problem...which I'm almost SURE I'm gonna end up havin a hysterectomy! So who knows what tha hell!!! I just can't take the pain that I've been gittin from all of this! So that's what happened LAST week. I got called unfit by "dick" cuz he had a date with SKANK and he thought I wasn't home cuz I had asked him to keep the kids cuz I actually wanted to do somethin during the day with my...."friend from work".....pffft. Well since HE had a date with SKANK he said no. So I had gone to the store for 5 freakin minutes and it was THAT 5 minutes he wanted to drop the kids off! FIGURES! So anyway he leaves me a real NICE fuckin voice mail tellin me he was gonna see me in COURT cuz I TOTALLY violated our agreement!!!! WTF???!!! Can you fuckin BELIEVE that?!!! After ME lettin him come git them on Wednesdays (not in our agreement) I let them stay LATE with him EVERY Sunday so they can swim and he can have more time with them (not in our agreement) but GOD FORBID I mess up his and SKANKS fuckin PLANS!!! And now he'll see ME in court?! I don't THINK so pal! Fuck HIM! He later apologized but I just told him that means NOTHIN to me and HE means NOTHIN to me! So he can save his BULLSHIT and LIES for SKANK BITCH!!!! He's been REPLACED anyway! I don't NEED his shit anymore! Now I take someone ELSES shit! bahyahahahaahah! Nah....I don't take ANYONES shit anymore! NEVER AGAIN!!! And NOONE will EVER lay their hands on me EVER AGAIN!!! Like I told drunkie guy...touch MY shit and you'll pull back a bloody stump!!! So just REMEMBER that! But if I GIVE you permission to "touch my shit" then THAT'S okay! LOL! So he FUCKED himself cuz now no more Wednesdays and if he's even a SECOND late bringin them home as the SCHEDULE in our AGREEMENT states...then I will call the police! I asked him NICE to PLEASE not fuck with me (cuz he started some shit Friday too) because I had ALOT on my mind until I git the results of these tests back! But he don't give a SHIT about ANYONE but himself so why should I think that he'd actually CARE if I've got cancer or not! Just so ya know SKANK...he will fuck ANYONE!!! Just look in the mirror for PROOF of that! Oh but WAIT....YOU'LL fuck EVERYONE too!!! Just ask BOBBY!!! Oh yea...HE'S GREAT!!! Bobby also told me last night that "dick" took a step down and he'd never find anyone as good as ME!!! Hmmmm....not even SKANK??!!! Bobby should KNOW huh!!??? Well thanks Bobby! Kiss kiss! So me and Kitty went out the other night lookin for somethin or SOMEONE fun to do...lol....but all we managed to do was threaten this REALLY cute bartender that we were gonna tie him up and put him in the trunk...but he offered to go quietly if we'd just hold him down in the back seat!!! teehee!! So anyway Kitty's drivin...I'm sittin on top of HIM singin he's a manie manie man!!!! Bahahahaha! Nah...I wasn't really singin SHE was!!!!! Then we ended up at this one pretty SKANK bar (name is bein withheld due to total embarrassment for endin up there!!!) But how were WE suppose to know...it was SUGGESTED and so we WENT!!! What would YOU do in a situation like that??? GOSH!!!! (watch napoleaon Dynamite people)! LOL!!! So we were asked (but not to be OFFENSIVE to us ya see) if we were.....DYKES!!!! Well DUH!!!! So now Kitty has this FINE tattoo that SAID "Angies Bitch" with a big pink heart around it...but the tattoo guy was SO fucked up that the B faded and NOW it just says "Angie's ITCH!!!!" Bahahahahahahahaaa!!!! So I went and got a tattoo today that says....Scratch my itch and has an arrow pointin toward Kitty!!!! ROFLMAO!!!! So how was YER weekend???!!! Oh by the way Chuck....DALES lookin for ya!!!
Take care everyone...I'll post again...oh in a MONTH or TWO!!! LOL!! I'll let ya know how the results turn out of my tests!
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!! Now git tha FUCK OUT!!!
OMG!!! Hi everyone!!! Did ya'll miss me???!!! I'm SO sorry I haven't posted in like a MONTH but there's been SOOOOO much goin on in my life...so buckle up and settle in cuz I'm about to fill you in on EVERYTHING and we may be here a while!!! Okay...so you all know that I've MOVED! Well THAT was a FREAKIN nightmare!!! I would like to thank EVERYONE that helped me with that! Thanks AMANDA, TWINS, DONNY, BOB, BILLY, GEORGE, VINCE, MATT, CODY, AND ERIC!!!! Ya'll saved my ASS once again with this move! Especially since "Mr. WONDERFUL" did NOTHING! He told my son that he didn't live there anymore and it wasn't "HIS" problem!!! Yea...may not be "HIS" fuckin PROBLEM but his kids ARE "HIS" problem!!! Even people that HATE their ex-wives said they'd help her move for the KIDS sake!!! Oh wait....he DID take apart Erics bed!!! I worship the ground for that!!! NOT!!!! But what WAS important to him was to take a trip to Wisconsin for two days with "a friend from work"!!! YEP!!! OH WELL!!! I'd especially like to thank Donny, Bob, and Amanda for bailin my ass outta jail as well!!!! Yes boys and girls...yers truly is a JAIL BIRD!!!! So this cop followed me from the old neighborhood to the new neighborhood and my tags and drivers liscense were suspended!!! So instead of officer freakin FRIENDLY just writin me some tickets and lettin me unload my truck...he handcuffed me and hauled my ass to JAIL!!!! So now my new neighbors are witnessin this..for all THEY know I could have blugeoned a family to death and stole their dog!!!! I SWEAR I didn't steal the DOG..that would be WRONG!!!! HA!!! But him takin me to jail isn't what really pissed me off!!! What REALLY pissed me off was sittin in the back of this car sweaty and handcuffed (well one hand anyway...I was able to slip my hand out of the other) but he made me listen to "I Will Survive" and "Funkytown" all the way to the police station!!!!! Aaahhhhhhhhh!!!! What a DICK!!!! Anyway, I offered the female officer money after she made me assume the position and ran her hand up my thigh into my crotch so hard that whatever was stuck up in there would fall out!!! Well it was a happy ending boys and girls!!! LOL!!!! J/K!!!! I even got a bologna sandwich and some juice!!! But hey...I got outta unloadin the dang truck didn't I??!!! Yea....NOT FUNNY!!! So then I worked all that weekend and did a party on the 4th of July! I found out that the party that my kids were at ended up with their drunken uncle pourin pop on Codys head!!! HE'S a WONDERFUL guy too!!! SO NOT!!!!! And Paul's turned into his bitter old nasty MOTHER!!! He said he wanted to be his OWN person and blah blah blah!!! But I can TELL that mommy dearest has influenced his EVERY decision!!! He talks and ACTS just like her!!! It's quite SAD actually!! But THAT'S not MY problem! Okay...let's see...what else????? I gave birth FIANLLY! To a 10 pound baby GORRILLA!!! Bahahaaha had ya'll goin huh?!!! I've been sicker than HELL with my alergies! Now I'm havin MAJOR problems with my Fibroids. Saturday night at work I was buckled over cuz I was in so much pain! I'm goin tomorrow for a SECOND opinion! Chances are I'll end up havin a hysterectomy!!! That sucks!!! Oh...July 11th was Matts 16th Birthday!!! Happy Birthday sweet boy!!! So for his Birthday I took him to the "Sounds of the Underground" concert. For those of you who don't KNOW about this concert...it's got SEVERAL different bands (kinda like la la palooza) but these are death metal bands! I had invited a BUNCH of people cuz Gwar was playin and I heard they were freaky...so I wanted to SHARE that with all my "FRIENDS"! Well once they found out it was an all day concert and the tickets were almost $50 they BAILED!!! Fuckin SISSIES!!!! So Jason went with us!!! He made me promise not to embarrass HIM!!! Bahahahaha!!! For those of you who KNOW Jason...yer laughin at that comment right now!!! Once we got in there they tried to confiscate my alergy pills!!! OH I DON"T THINK SO!!!!! So they took me in the "medical" room where I showed them my arson of medication...and told me to have a good time!!! So THAT was cool!! Jason kinda disappered and so Matt and I watched the bands by ourselves....(along with 5,000 other people we didn't know)! It was almost time for Gwar to go on...I haven't ever seen Gwar in PERSON just seen some videos and Paul told me that they were pretty crazy (they spray the audience with fake blood from their prostetic penises!) I was a little concerned about watchin this with my 16yr old SON...but I figured I'd just cover his eyes! LOL!!! Well no need for THAT...they DID spray blood outta their penis...and chop Bushes head off wich spewed blood...but they didn't do anything really NASTY like what they were showin at their booth! OMG!!! I DID cover Matts eyes when we went back there...it was NASTY DIRTY!!!! Anyway I told Matt that if a Mosh pit broke out by me (we were pretty close to the front) to pull me out! Well when they came on, I was jackin with my cell phone so I could take some pictures...so I wasn't payin attention when they struck that first cord and the crowd rushed the stage along with ME!!! Matt jumped outta the way then reached out and grabbed my hand and pulled me...but they kept comin...broke us apart then he reached out, grabbed me again and pulled me out!!! MY HERO!!! They stepped on my ankle and made me BLEED!!! So we stood on the SIDE of the stage (outta the way of the spray of blood and BLUE)!!! When they were done, Jason found us...he looked like a little blue troll!!!! So I made this sign that said it's my sons 16th Bday...can we come backstage? The one guy that was being eaten by the monster kept smilin at me and told me to hang on a minute! Well I got tired of waitin so we walked around and waited for the next bands. Later, we went to the booth and Jason said the band was there. So Matt got a few signatures from Gwar and I ended up hookin up with the DRUMMER!!!! Well not ACTUALLY hookin up...but we talked for awhile and we talk on the phone quite a bit! We tried to make plans to go to dinner or somethin but the one night I was really sick and then he had to go to Canada. Then he was gonna try and catch a flight back but couldn't. So we just talk between his shows now! He's nice! Cody said he wanted him to teach him drums. But I told him his dad could teach him...but he said his dad was never around! How SAD is THAT!!! Oh well...that's not MY fault! Jason got free tickets to see Anthrax and called and asked Matt if he wanted to go. Matt don't like them very much so he said no. But I wanted to go! So I was right against the stage right before they came on...but I needed to pee and git a beer! I KNEW I shouldn't have left...but I told the dude next to me to spread out and save my spot! The bastard DIDN'T...so there was some bitch there!!! They wouldn't even spread apart enough for me to fit my arm between them to set my beer down!!! So I stood next to the security guard. But then it took like an hour for them to set up and I heard people behind me sayin this is bullshit let's tear this place up!!! So I got tha hell outta there. I went to the back of the room and stood against the wall! There was FREAK!!! Remember from Mancow?!! So we talked for awhile! He's pretty nice too! So that's been MY excitin life for the past SEVERAL weeks! How was YERS???!!!! I have't posted because I've been so busy and I don't have internet yet! So I have to find the time to come over to Kats to make a post! I SHOULD be unpacking my dang house...because I've been so sick lately that I haven't been able to do it! But seein that it's the HOTTEST day of the YEAR and I don't have air conditioning...well...me and the kids came to Kittys for dinner! Thanks Kitty!!! Well I'm signin off for now...I gotta check my email and finish my laundry...I'll try and post soon...but I ain't makin no promises!!! Take care and ya'll come out and see me sometime at Trickys...every Friday and Saturday from 8 till 4 in tha mornin....and be sure to tip those bartenders...they BARELY work for ya!!!! Bahahahaha....that's my schpeil!!! Take care of yerselves!!!
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!
Kitty posting again, everyone must go se the new Pirates of the Carribean movie it was awesome!!!
We had an explosively good time at Capris on the fourth we need to have some more summer parties...anyone...anyone?? any way I am putting up some pictures from the blast so ya'll can see for yourselves, me mateys!
Sorry I haven't written...but I didn't pay my bill cuz they didn't credit my account for all the days that I COULDN'T git online so I refuse to pay for a service that I didn't git! So they cancelled my account! Plus I'm movin soon and I'm goin with another provider so SCREW EM!!! I'll just use Kittys puter! TEEHEE!! So how have all my FANS been doin? I'm doin pretty good I guess! I'm tryin to git this REALLY big house to rent. But I'm waitin to hear back from the owners to see if they'll rent it to me or not! It's startin to PISS ME OFF!!! Maybe I'll try for this OTHER house if I don't hear back from them by today! Well ALOT has happened since I last blogged! I went to my counseling session then I went to see that psychiatrist that she referred me to! THAT doctor told me to stop takin diet pills and the depression would go away! It HAS gone away for the most part! Paul and I don't really TALK anymore. We're not FIGHTIN...we just don't TALK! THAT makes me SAD!! He don't even come in anymore. But whatever. I'm done anyway. I smelled booze on his breath last time we went to counseling. So he has NO intention if he EVER did of doin what HE has to do to make it work! My self esteem is WAY better than it has been in YEARS and I deserve better than someone who's gonna drink and CHEAT on me every chance he gits! So go be with yer BOTTLE and be HAPPY! He said he was feelin better about HIMSELF as well...says that he was startin to feel like the "Old Paul" again, well if that's someone who has to go to the bar EVERYDAY after work...then I don't want the "OLD PAUL" back anyway! I'm just happy enough to know that I'm not crazy enough to be on antidepressants!!! BAahahahahaha!!!! But I was WILLIN to be on them if it was gonna help me! My FRIENDS have done a WORLD of good for me too!!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!!! Kitty came home Friday and showed up at Trickys! I jumped up and down! I MISSED her!!!! Tha bitch is all tan and shit!!!! I BURN....PEEL....then I'm STUCK with all these dang FRECKLES!!! But once the freckles grow together...then I git that mighty fine tan...it's just a little splotchy! LOL!!! Well....I'm at Kittys right now and I'm havin some MAJOR writters block! That's gonna be the one bad thing about comin over HERE to blog cuz I'm too distracted...even if noone's around me! My writin comes to me late at night usually. And I've been goin to bed at like 9pm and wakin up sometimes at 5 and 6am!!!! THAT'S the WEIRDEST!!! I just kinda sit there and think....what do ya do at this time in the mornin???!!! LOL!!! The BIRDS sound REALLY nice that early! A couple of times I've just gone out on the back porch and sit and listen! It's SO peaceful! The kids all sleep til at least 9 so I've got 3 hours of this quiet time! It's kinda nice actually! When I stay up all night the birds are sleepin too! I like THIS sleep schedule better! Okay I gotta go..we gotta go feed the kiddies!!! I've got runnin to the store dutie! Take care...I'll blog more when I can! WISH ME LUCK ON GITTIN THIS HUGE HOUSE!!! If I git it....we're havin a barbque!!!!
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!
Kitty here in Virginia where it is HOT!! it was 97 today with like 300% humidity, but we are having fun, not as much fun as you all back home apparently but I thought I'd check in and say hi. We were in Kentucky for 3 days to see Mamoth Cave and now we are visiting friends in Powhatan Virginia. We will be home Sat night so everyone come out and say hi to my sunburnt self, I miss everyone see you all soon!!!
I'm SO scared right now. How am I suppose to go through all these changes that I'm gittin ready to face, ALONE?! I mean I KNOW I have my friends and they'll support me. But when I say ALONE I mean without Paul? He's been my ROCK for 12 YEARS! Actually 13 years. We're about to have our 12 year anniversary. It's gonna be a GREAT anniversary huh! He's done some fucked up things to me over the years. But he's still BEEN there and been a part of my life! I'm sittin here and the reality of everything that's gittin ready to change in my life hit me like a ton of lead! I'm SCARED TO DEATH! I'm worried about crammin me and my three kids into a 2 bedroom house...but hey...at least I've got a place to live right? But once again I wouldn't have that without the help of Paul! I'm scared of standin on my own two feet. That sounds STUPID I know...but it's the TRUTH. But I've done it before and I KNOW I can do it again. But what scares me the MOST is when I go to this psychiatrist on Wednesday and you KNOW she's gonna put me on antidepressants. As I've been sittin here goin over the past 15 years of my life I've always felt that I was kind of a lazy person and I was embarrassed by that. I see people just go go goin and always thought "how do they do that and where do they git their energy from?" I've always kept my curtains pulled, I was once accused of isolating myself. I've NEVER really been much of a "domestic goddess" I don't like to clean (but who does?) And I've always really liked to SLEEP! I guess that's one MAJOR form of depression! I feel defeated alot of the time. I don't follow through on any task. The ONLY thing I've done well in my life is Karaoke! That's the ONE thing that I KNOW I do great at. But here's the thing. I've been takin diet pills for the past 8 years of my life. I've TRIED to stop takin them SEVERAL times...but every time that I stop, I crash HARD! I do NOTHING but SLEEP! Then he would complain that the house was pitted and what have I done all day while he's out workin his ass off?! So I'd take my diet pills so I'd have the energy to git up and clean! I'm in NO way blamming HIM for that...it's all ME! I've been AFFRAID to git off them cuz I won't have the energy I need to do what needs to be done. But when I look back they haven't really done all that much for me anyway. They SURE haven't made me lose any weight! This seperation has though! I've lost 20 pounds now! That SUCKS that it took THAT to make me loose weight! Cuz god forbid I should git off my LAZY ass and EXCERSICE!!! So what I'm MOST scared of now is gittin off those pills and bein put on medication that might actually do me some GOOD! The diet pills make me paranoid and kinda skitzo! But I still take them. If this new medication works for me how am I gonna know what it is to feel NORMAL?! What IS normal? For ME normal is being a paranoid, jealous, lazy, lunatic! When I'm doin Karaoke and I'm up there jumpin around and bein all goofy, people always ask me where I git my energy from. Well now everyone KNOWS! What if I git off these pills and I'm not like that anymore?! What if my bubbly personality goes away?! I KNOW I have THAT even without the pills! But what if this NEW stuff takes it away? I don't know HOW to be off stimulants! Right now I'm in PANIC mode! My head is spinnin and my thoughts are goin 1,000 miles a minute! I'm FREAKIN OUT!!! Don't git me wrong...HE has done PLENTY to make me jealous and paranoid and untrusting. But I do believe there were times that he DIDN'T deserve my accusations and jealous rages. I've let HIM dictate my happiness. That's one of the things I learned in my last counseling session. I have to decide how my OWN life is gonna go and NOT worry about what HE'S doin or who he's with. I can't control HIM! But I CAN control MYSELF...and I haven't been doin that! I've become SO dependant on HIM for EVERYTHING...INCLUDING my happiness! My counselor said that I've kinda turned into my exhusband! OMG!!! I HAVE!!! And HE'S kinda PATHETIC!!! THAT'S what REALLY made the light come on in my head! I couldn't be with HIM cuz he was so NEEDY and CLINGY! Have I REALLY turned into THAT???!!! NOW I know what Paul always meant when he would tell me to STEP UP!!! I use to just scratch my head and think...what tha hell does he MEAN by that?! DANG! How do I STOP doin that? When did I BECOME like that?! I don't BLAME him for not wantin to be with me anymore! Hell I couldn't be with my LAST husband because of THAT! I'm just so fucking SCARED! It took everything I HAD to make that tape and send it into the Ellen show! Because I was CONFIDENT enough in myself to KNOW that I was PERFECT for that job. I had NO doubt they would call me...but I never heard back from them, so that just kinda made me feel DEFEATED again! I've FAILED at everything I've EVER tried to do before. THAT'S why I don't finish things I start. Cuz I don't want to FAIL again! I've only got 1 1/2 semesters before I git my Associates Degree in college but I couldn't pass the Algebra (even with a tutor) so I just GAVE UP! I took that dang class THREE times! I got it in my head but I couldn't seem to write it on paper. WTF?!! I REALLY want to take dance lessons...but I'm too affraid I'm gonna SUCK! But I'm HOPIN that this psychiatrist can help me git through these fears and git me on the right track. I'm PRAYING for that! SOMETHIN has GOT to change! I can't live like this ANYMORE! I WANT to feel what I THINK normal feels like! Okay...now you ALL know what a loony I REALLY am! Do ya still love me anyway? Writin all this down for the whole WORLD to see was probably the most DIFFICULT thing I've EVER done! NOONE wants to put themselves out there completely EXPOSED so EVERYONE knows your inner most fears and FAILURES! Unless yer a JERRY SPRINGER NUT JOB! I don't think I've gotten to THAT point yet! HA! But this is part of my therapy! All the friends that I USUALLY pile my crap on is outta town and I've just felt TOTALLY ALONE! Paul wouldn't talk to me all week so I had NOONE that I could cry to except all of YOU! Writing my feelings down DOES really help though! I DID git ONE piece of good news today though that took the WORLD off my chest a little. I DON'T have to be out by the first of July. I have till the END of July! WHEW! I was dreadin havin to ask him for a few extra days cuz the guy that's livin in the house I'm rentin won't be out til the 30th! You just don't KNOW what a load off that was! My landlord said he'd even keep an eye for me for a bigger house! That was nice of him! I REALLY wish he'd just let me stay HERE! Maybe I could ASK him! But I doubt it! All the while he was raggin me about the lawn! OMG!!! So it's not PERFECT! I had to BORROW a mower cuz mine broke and it needs to be edged. But it's by NO means unpresentable like he keeps tellin me! GIT OFF MY ASS MAN!!! As MUCH as I would LOVE to stay here...I want to git away from HIM just as bad! He lives RIGHT next door...so he's ALWAYS around! Ahhhhh!!! He left us alone until it got warmer outside and I took my lease to my divorce attorney which happens to be his EXWIFES attorney. I guess he was tellin her that we only paid $1,000 a month so he wouldn't have to pay more child support! But when I showed her my lease she found out that that WASN'T the case...we were payin quite a bit more! So I'm SURE his child support went up! So he's had it in for me ever since! He shouldn't have tried to raise my rent illegally! It's that damned ol CARMA! It came around and bit him in tha ASS!!! Well I've stopped cryin now and feelin sorry for myself! YEP...tha PITTY PARTY has left tha building! For awhile anyway! I'm SURE it'll be back soon! So stand by and watch my NEW life unfold! This should be interesting!!! Take care of yerself AND eachother! Ain't that what Springer says at the end of all his shows?! LOL!!!
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!
Well it's OFFICIAL! He couldn't FACE me so I FINALLY got him to tell me on the PHONE that he's DONE! He said he didn't want to be on the "RIDE" with me anymore and the doesn't want to be with ME anymore! I guess that's WHY he wouldn't return any of my calls! Boy it don't take much for ME to git a HINT huh?! Well, what did those song lyrics I wrote say?! TIME FOR ME TO FLY?! Ya know after 12 years and TWO kids together it's just a little HARDER for ME to throw in the towel I guess! And he tells me this on the 12th anniversary of my mothers DEATH! As if I didn't feel BAD enough! Whether it's another woman or not...he says it's NOT...but I guess that's not MY concern anymore huh?! He says that we're just poison together. I guess that we ARE. But we DID have some really great times together the past few weeks I must say. We're STILL gonna go to counseling though so we can try and be CIVIL with eachother! That's what's best for the kids. We STILL have some things to discuss. Now if I could just git this SICK feelin outta the pit of my stomach! And to think, I was startin to feel better! HA! This feels just like it did when I got DIVORCE papers! The pain is still just as DEEP! But the sun will STILL rise in the mornin. Speakin of which...my landlord came by today, he wants to bring some people in tomorrow mornin to look at the house! That SUCKS!!! I don't usually git off work til 5am and he wants to come at 11am! I'm gonna be a zombie! But whatever. The house is relatively clean....but I've been doin some packin so they have to deal with a little mess! I HAVE to finish gittin this house packed. Looks like I'm doin it all alone! But what ELSE is new?! No BIGGIE! I can do it! I just have to get well! COMPLETELY well. Mentally AND physically! Apparantly he's been tellin everyone that we're gittin divorced still cuz that's the way he's been FEELIN the WHOLE time we've SUPPOSEDLY been "workin things out"! Wish I would have been informed! I asked him if he wanted to go to Starved Rock Sunday cuz the kids wanted us to go and that's when he informs me that he didn't want to do anything with ME! He says he's DONE! Why the fuck can't I be done too?!! I WANT to be done! But my heart is BREAKING!!! So here we go...this roller coaster of EMOTION!!! I HATE that! My life has been in pieces for YEARS though....so NOW it's time to HEAL! Pick myself up, lick the wounds and carry on my wayward son. There'll be PEACE when you are done! Lay yer weary head to rest...don't ya cry no more! That's one of my favorite songs from Kansas that just popped in my head. That happens often in case you couldn't tell! Okay...so I'm gonna go throw up now...I've gotta pull myself together before work tonight. I'll drink, dance, and SING away my pain! Take care and I'll see ya'll tonight!
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!
Well, I'm feelin a little better today! Not 100% though! My head still hurts but the throat thing is gone! Thank GOD!!! Ear aches and sore throats are the WORST!!! I'm just gonna take it easy today though (pretty much what I've done ALL week) and TRY to be PEPPY for work tonight! Hey...it's time for SUMMER PARTIES!!!! So everyone needs to BOOK ME for yer summer BASH!!! I could use the extra CASH baby! We can either do it at yer HOUSE or wherever! You can email me or put a post on my blog and I'll git in contact with you! Or you can come in and give me the information and we'll book it right then and there! I've had some REALLY kick ass summer parties in the past. There was the year of the TOGA...That one was COOL! Cops were called but we STILL partied til 6am! Woohoo! Maybe AFTER I git settled in my new house I'll have another party. There's a really cool fire pit and a gazeebo in the back. I'll set up my equipment in the garage and we'll party till the COWS come home! I don't know if it'll have a "THEME" yet though. But in the next MONTH or so I'm plannin a PAJAMA PARTY at Trickys...So ya'll go git yer CUTEST PJ'S and come on out! I'll give ya all the details at a later date. I have to clear it with BIG DADDY first ya know! But hey...he's ALWAYS willin to see HOT CHICKS in PJs!!! LOL!!! I REALLY want to have a 50's party! So I need some imput on that and maybe some good ideas and some HELP would be appreciated! But these are things that won't happen till I git settled in the new house! That's REALLY stressin me out right now! Ahhhhh!!! Once I'm moved in and AWAY from THIS place and THESE landlords from HELL then I'll be all good! I was watchin country music video today. I sure do like country music videos. Have you noticed that they all have a story behind them?! And they're usually SAD! So I've had my DAILY cry already! LOL! There was one by the Dixie Chicks. It's called I'm not ready to make nice. I don't listen to country that often so I haven't ever heard it. But the video AND the song were pretty good. I'm gonna write the words of the song in a later post. Okay...I'm gonna sign off for now. I'm gonna go drive by my new house I think. So ya'll take care and come out and see me tonight! Like I said...HOPEFULLY I'll be in FULL "Angie Mode" but if not...just BEAR with me! I'll talk to ya'll soon!
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!
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