GOD I MUST BE A TOTAL SUCKER!!! Here I BELIEVED all the CRAP "HE" was feedin me about wantin to make our marriage work and how much he "LOVES" me and blah blah blah!!! Well I realize that that is NOT the case! Cuz someone that wants to "work things out" don't DO the things that "Mr. Wonderful" has done the past few weeks! My counselor says that I need to WRITE as a form of THERAPY so I'm gonna WRITE about all the sordid DETAILS that I didn't mention in my earlier post to be RESPECTFUL of "HIM"! But NOW I'm lettin it ALL out! Ya wanna know one of the MAJOR reasons that I had fallen into this depression thing all came about?! Sure...it's because I'm gonna be homeless in a couple of weeks...and SURE it's because I miss my mom, and the rest of my "so called" FAMILY has abandoned me, and SURE it's because my lawyer wants $3,000 MORE!!! But on top of ALL that, the one MAIN reason is because I found out about 3 weeks ago (the time I fell into this downward spiral) is because I found out that "he's" been calling and seein this bitch that I totally DISPISE!!! She's a chick from Mr. T's (the place that I use to do Karaoke at)! I saw her name in his cell phone. When I questioned him about it he said he didn't KNOW that I knew her (yea right...the first time he met her a long time ago when I worked there he came up to me and said that she was SCARIN him cuz she was TOTALLY hangin on him (like she does EVERYONE) and when he told her that he was married to ME the BITCH said..."I don't care!!") He said she was makin him nervous! We even laughed about the GROWTHS she has on her tits! ANYWAY!!! So apparantly they've been talkin on the phone and met for drinks not too long ago! He SAID it wasn't a DATE...but I ASK you...if you meet someone at a bar and buy them drinks all night long....THAT'S A FUCKIN DATE!!! I'm SURE there was kissin involved at the end of the evenin if NOTHIN else cuz she's a TOTAL WHORE!!! I know this bitch WELL! So does everyone ELSE and NOONE likes her...except for "HIM" apparantly! So I've TRIED not to bring the subject up too much cuz GOD FORBID I should ACCUSE him of INFADELITY!!!! HA! But he's been comin over the past SEVERAL times smellin of alcohol so I KNOW he's hittin the bars again! Gee...for someone that is TRYIN to work things out and KNOWS I blame ALCOHOL for our problems and who PROMISED he wasn't gonna drink anymore...it sure don't seem like he gives a SHIT huh?!!! So anyway...I didn't want to BOTHER him today with anything, but my dryer broke down and I have wet clothes that need to be dried before they mildew. So I text him a message around 5 or 6 pm and tell him what's up and I need him to take a look at it! NO RESPONSE! Then I leave him a voice mail because his phone is obviously turned off!!! I called SEVERAL more times...NOTHIN! Oh and by the way...he PROMISED he would come over tonight to wire my muffler up after he got off work anyway so the damn thing don't FALL OFF!!!! But still NOTHIN!!! Matt had my cell phone today cuz he needed it while he was out...so around 10 pm he tells me I got a text message earlier. When I checked it, it was from "HIM" at 3:40 pm. The text says R U comin to Ottos tonite!!! Hmmmm...that's funny cuz he says I'M the ONLY one he text messages and gee...I don't know what or WHERE tha hell Ottos IS! I can't IMAGINE him textin another GUY cuz guys just don't DO that sorta thing with eachother! And I believe that MY name is right about the SKANKS name!!! So he spent the ENTIRE night I ASSUME with SKANK ASS CAULIFLOWER TITS at this place called Ottos! I sent him SEVERAL texes askin what's Ottos? Then a few more but STILL no response! Finally around midnight I text him and said well I see where I stand with you so I won't bother you AGAIN!!! 20 minutes later he called me back with this LAME ASS excuse sayin that his car broke down and he had to call a tow truck and LOW AND BEHOLD his cell phone was DEAD on TOP of ALL THAT!!! Well I have to give him THIS...he's gettin CREATIVE with the STORY tellin I MUST say! You would THINK it would git OLD to lie ALL the time! That just seems so exhausting to me to have to come up with all these different stories constantly! He said he didn't listen to all my messages (even though there was only one) and he was SURE they weren't PLEASANT or at LEAST me being DISAPOINTED! I said "yea...to say tha LEAST!" He said he was sorry and he'd make it up to me! (Gawd...that's the story of our lives!!!) I told him not to worry about it and GLEEfuLLY he said..."okay then I WON'T!!!" Boy it didn't take much persuain on THAT did it?!!! So while I sit home TRYIN to do things that I NEED to git done, I git the JOY of KNOWIN that he's with another CHICK! A SKANK ASS CHICK!!! You HAVE to understand...since that FIRST night that he met her and told me what she did and said...even though I've been cool around her everytime I've seen her...I've just been WAITIN for a REASON to KICK HER LILLY ASS!!!! I HATE THIS BITCH!!! He just can't seem to hit on or KISS bitches that I don't KNOW!!!! NOOOO!!!! That would be too EASY!!! He has to go for people that CLAIM to be my FRIENDS or bitches that I absolutely DISPISE!!! Well ENOUGH'S ENOUGH already!!!! I can't TAKE this ABUSE anymore!!!! I PRAY to God EVERYNIGHT to make me stop lovin him. But God don't seem to answer MY prayers anymore! But EACH time he comes over smellin of booze or I find out he's been doin shit with WHORES that he shouldn't be doin...a little bit of love dies! So I'm thinkin it ain't gonna be MUCH longer now til it's COMPLETELY GONE!!! I have my OWN demons and problems to work out without worryin what WHORE he's fuckin NOW!!! I just can't do it anymore! It's OBVIOUS he either CAN'T or isn't WILLIN to change for the sake of our marriage so I have NO other choice but to GIVE UP!!! You can only beat a dead horse for so long before you realize that it's DEAD!!! Am I right?!!! So NOW my NEW life has begun! I MUST move forward WITHOUT the hope of him bein a part of my future! I can make PLANS now to do things that I WANT to do and not wonder if he'll be a part of them! I guess maybe I'll still go to counseling so I can at least learn how to DEAL with him. But I truely don't see us EVER gittin back together again unless a MIRACLE happens! And BELIEVE me....with HIM...that's totally UNLIKEYLY!!! He's JUST like his father....he does WHAT he wants...WHEN he wants...and FUCK how it hurts the people that really CARE for him! His dad DIED by that rule! So I'm gonna TRY (even though it won't be easy and I'm SURE I'll FALL a few times) to go on about my life WITHOUT worryin about "HIM"! If someone could give me a few suggestions...I would GREATLY appreciate it! Maybe I should finally go out with the guy that's been ASKIN for quite some time! That would probably HELP I'm SURE! To be treated the way I DESERVE to be treated would be WONDERFUL for me right now! I think I'll consider THAT option! = } If ANYTHING, it'll boost my EGO!!! LOL!!! Well that's all I have to write about for NOW...once AGAIN it's like 4:30 in the a.m. cuz I couldn't sleep AGAIN!!! GOD I HATE that!!! I was really TIRED tonight too before "he" fucked me up! He MUST be PROUD! Well it WON'T happen again!!! At LEAST not over HIM!!! I'm DONE!!! Take care and come see me tonight at Trickys!!!
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!
you're not a sucker you're optimistic, you look for the hope when there is little, see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's one of your best traits, and you know what you will get thru this and be better on the other side with or with out him.
Posted by: kitty | June 12, 2006 at 12:57 AM
Well, I guess that's ONE way of lookin at it! Thanks Kitty...that makes me feel better! I have to say...I MAY be a sucker or OPTOMISTIC as you say...but he IS a damn good LIAR!!! Boy it don't matter who you are...he can look ya right in tha eye and lie his ass off!!! He should become an actor...they say that LIARS make the BEST actors!! Lieing is just SO exhausting to me...I don't know how people can do it so much!!!
Posted by: Angie | June 12, 2006 at 04:59 PM