HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!  I MISS YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS!!!

You know...no matter HOW old you are you ALWAYS need and want yer MOM!!!  My mom has been gone for 12 years now and I think it's harder on me NOW than it ever HAS been!  I've got so much goin bad in my life right now that I guess I've just been thinkin about her more than usual! Mom would have NEVER abandoned me like the REST of my family has!  She would at LEAST have CALLED and made sure I'm okay through these bad times in my life.  But does any of my other SO CALLED family?  Nooooo...they're too busy with their OWN wonderful lives!  I know that I said that I've disowned them in a previous blog...but ya know...sometimes ya just gotta VENT and I didn't think they would DISOWN me that quick.  Guess it don't really matter though.  I've still got my FREINDS that I've adopted as my family! 

Well...sorry I haven't posted in so long.  There's been so much goin on in my life I've kinda slipped off into this depression and I just haven't felt like writing!  SORRY!!!  I'll try my best to fill ya in on what's been goin on in the last few weeks since I've last written.  Well, I FINALLY had to call the doctor MYSELF and DEMAND the results of that ultrasound that I had done a long time ago.  They found 3 large fibroids and the first thing he said he wanted to do was REMOVE my uterous!  THEY WANT TO GIVE ME A HISTARECTOMY!!!!  THAT kinda FREAKED me out!  To say tha LEAST!!!!  So THAT kinda sent me into this panic state of mind!  I mean I'm a little PSYCHO as it is....I hear havin THAT done makes ya go a little mental on it's own...even WITHOUT havin yer ovaries removed!  Although he didn't say anything about that...I still didn't want to have that surgery!  So I went in to talk to him about what needed to be done and I waited and waited...30 minutes later I find out that he wasn't even in the dang BUILDING!!!!  Now I understand that he got caught up in surgery and was runnin LATE!!!!  But BESIDES myself sittin there waitin for him there were TWO other women WAITING as well!!!!  So almost 45 minutes AFTER I was scheduled...he STILL wasn't there.  Kitty was kind enough to go with me so I wouldn't have to be ALONE, and the baby was gittin restless.  I think I was more restless than the baby actually!!!  They brought me in to take my blood pressure (which is ALWAYS normal) but this day my blood pressure was high!  Gee I wonder WHY???!!!  THAT'S when they tell me that the doctor wasn't in yet!  WTF???  They couldn't have given me the consideration of a call and lettin me know that he was runnin late and give me the OPTION to reschedule???!!!  Well I guess NOT since they don't even give me the consideration of callin me to let me know they found somethin WRONG with my freakin ULTRASOUND!!!  So I was a little PISSY to say the least...so I left without seein the doctor!!!  You know, that just PISSES me off when doctors do that!!!  They think that it's OKAY for them to schedule 3 or 4 people at the SAME time cuz we can just WAIT!!!  They think OUR time isn't as IMPORTANT as THEIRS!!!  Well I'm SICK of doctors doin this!  Our time IS just as valuable as THEIRS!!!!  We all need to PROTEST these asshead doctors that do this to us!!!!  So anyway...I'm lookin for a NEW Guynecologist for a second opinion...so if anyone knows a good one that doesn't make you WAIT for an hour to be seen...lemme know!  Of all the things that I've read it says that a hysterectomy is the LAST option that you should choose!  Well this was the FIRST thing he mentioned!  I think there was somethin that he was either NOT tellin me or tryin to HIDE!  This doctor (which I didn't know when I made my first appointment with) helped my LAST doctor perform a procedure on me three years ago, and THAT procedure is WHY I have these fibroids to begin with!!!  I then found out that this NEW doctor had talked to my OLD doctor about my results of the ultrasound (s'cuse me...doesn't that violate my CONFIDENTIALITY)???  Anyway...I just have a feelin somethin is SKETTCHY about the whole thing and would like another OPINION!!!  I HATE DOCTORS!!!

I went campin a couple weeks ago with Kitty and Capri and their families!  It was TONS of fun!!!  We went floatin down the mighty MISSISSIP!!!  LOL!!!  I just like sayin that!!!  THAT was SO much fun!  The campground wasn't the BEST....and they said we wouldn't ever go back there again...but I HOPE we CAN cuz I REALLY liked the floatin thing!!!  I caught a BEAUTIFUL BASS too!!!  Okay...it was a WALLEYE....but it's just not funny if I don't quote the line from Napoleaon Dynamite (one of my favorite movies)!  But I guess it wouldn't be funny to ANY of YOU who haven't SEEN Napoleaon Dynamite!!!  But for those of you who HAVE....yer laughin yer butts off right?!!!  LMAO!!!!  So now you ALL have to go out...rent Napolean Dynamite and think of ME when he uses the BEAUTIFUL BASS line!!!  And yes...I only caught ONE dang fish...but my momma taught me to NEVER throw NOTHIN back...so I wrapped it up and brought that puppy home!!!!  It's in my freezer!  One of these days I'll thaw it...clean it...and fry it up in a pan!!!!  Did ya'll KNOW they had TEETH???  LOTS OF TEETH???!!!! SHARP TEETH???!!!  It was like this comedy act you'd see on TV watchin me try to git this dang hook outta this things mouth!!  Usually I just stick my thumb in it mouth to hold on to it and then remove the hook...but this thing had freakin TEETH!!!!!  So now...here I am with this FLOPPIN fish tryin to git some kinda hold on it all the while bein attacked by a dang WASP!!!!  So I'm SHOOIN this wasp away with the fish and SLAPPIN myself in the face with the FISH!!!!  CUSSIN the ENTIRE time as people just wakin up and walkin to the bathroom are laughin at me!!!  I personally DID NOT think this was AT ALL funny!!!!  It's not pleasant slappin yerself in tha face with a dang slimmy FISH!!!  My line was all tangled around me...then I bought fell down the dang hill AND I broke my SHOE!!!!   So when you look at the picture of me holdin this freakin TOOTHY fish with ONE SHOE in my hand...you know the story behind it!!!!  AND on top of ALL that...there was this water snake that kept swimmin up that I would have to shoo away too!  I was up on hill a little ways from the water so I don't think he was a threat to ME...I just didn't want him to git the FISH I had just worked so hard to TIE UP!!!  So needless to say...it wasn't the most PLEASANT fishin expodition I've ever been on...but that's USUALLY how my fishin experiences ARE!!!  But all in all...it was a GREAT campin trip and I can't wait to go campin AGAIN!!!  We need to git a big GROUP to go and camp!  That would be GREAT FUN!!!

So I've been goin to counselin with Pauly.  Things were goin good until the other night!  He's kinda turned into a bit of a mammas boy since he's been livin at home and it's gittin to me!  But I think it's kinda gittin to HIM as well!  He's been goin to the bars again after work on SEVERAL occasions and THAT'S really botherin me!  That's how he seems to deal with his problems!  We haven't been to counseling enough to really WORK out our problems and neither of us has changed enough for us to git back together!  We went to counselin last night and learned some NEW techniques on ways to FIGHT properly!  I just don't know if EITHER of us can use these new ways of doin things.  I TRIED on the way home last night.  Not to FIGHT...just to tell him how I was feelin about his relationship with his MOM and how I felt JEALOUS of that relationship!  I had told him about that the night BEFORE...but we had gotten into a MAJOR fight and he didn't really HEAR what I had to say cause he was too ANGRY over the STOOPID MEAN things I had said PRIOR to that!  So THAT hurt my feelings that he didn't HEAR me!  But for me to admit to MYSELF let alone HIm and now all of YOU that I'm JEALOUS over his dang MOTHER...really KILLS me!!!  I feel that it's just so STOOPID!!!  I feel that he does more for HER than he does for ME!  I REALIZE that she's his MOTHER for God Sakes...and not to MENTION that she's SICK and NEEDS all the help he can give her!  I just feel so SELFISH!  I'm TRYIN to DEAL with THIS particular issue...that's why I'm tellin all of YOU!  I was told by our counselor last night that I needed to start writing again because that's my THERAPY!!!  Which it really HAS been since this whole seperation thing has happened...and since I haven't written in so long...I've felt myself goin in a downward fall like I'm spinning outta control!  My mind races all the time!  I can't sleep I can't eat.  I'm constantly WORRIED about where I'm gonna live in 3 weeks!  I've been LOOKIN for places to live, but I have NO money, I've tapped all my friends out of their money supply to pay my lawyer, I just feel DEFEATED and HOPELESS!!!!  Paul tells me I should git a JOB!!!  I HAVE a JOB!!!  I make MORE money doin Karaoke two nights a week than I did workin 40 hours a WEEK at my office job!  And I'm there for my kids EVERYDAY when they come home from school!!!  So TELL me that's not what's BEST?!!!  Maybe workin in a BAR for some people aint the BEST thing...but I go to work and come home EVERY night that I work!  Hell I don't even go to BREAKFAST afterwards anymore!  Mainly cuz noone ASKS me to anymore...but STILL!!!  LOL!!!  I come home to a big lonely EMPTY house every night!  It's QUITE depressing I must say!  I never thought I'd MISS comin home to his SNORIN and smelly FEET....but man...sometimes I DO!!!  So I told MOST of this to the counselor last night and know what she did?  She gave me the name of some psychiatrists to git in contact with cuz she thinks I have depression and thinks maybe I should be put on medication!!!  WTF??!!  ME?!!!  LOL!!!  Yea...I know SOME of you have suggested that BEFORE...but what do YA"LL know???!!!  LOL!!!  But then I said...well what about HIM???!!!  All she said to HIM is that he needed to STOP DRINKIN!!!!  DANG!!!  HE needs some PSYCOTHERAPY!!!!  Just cuz I went in all boohooy with some ISSUES...why do I gotta be put on MEDS and not HIM???!!!!  I think I'm bein PICKED ON!!!!  So anyway...I'm gonna call this doctor she referred me to....LOL!!!  Hey...it couldn't HURT I guess!  And I'm NOT havin that surgery EITHER!!!  Paul made a committment last night too that he would help me with the security deposit and rent on a new place!!!  THAT'S a LOAD off my chest!!!  Just him sayin THAT made me feel like there would be LIGHT at the end of the tunnel!!!  So the only THING is that everyone wants so MUCH for a deposit on even an APARTMENT that it's gonna be HARD to come up with that kinda money!  So I'm gonna have to bite tha bullet and talk to my jerk landlord about givin me my deposit back!  Paul paid him this last months rent...so it's not like he's gonna be outta any money...and I haven't wrecked the house...so hopefully (if he wants us out by the first of the month) he'll at least give us SOME of our money back!  I don't know why he's bein so MEAN to me!!!  Okay...he TRIED to blackmail me a few months ago...I think I told ya'll about that...so I took my lease to my lawyers office...who just HAPPENED to be his EXWIFES lawyer!!!  I didn't KNOW that!!!  So he coped an ATTITUDE about THAT!!!  Well I didn't mean any HARM....I was just askin her if it was LEGAL for him to try to raise our RENT...that's when she recognized his name on the lease!!!  See how CARMA comes around to BITE ya in the ass???  Now everytime he calls he always has to try and THREATEN me!!!  He can't just ASK me to do somethin...he always has to put in a THREAT!!!  Like two days ago..he called to tell me I was an ADULT and he shouldn't have to CALL to TELL me to mow my lawn!!!  I calmly explained to him that our mower had broke and was in the shop and we were waitin for it to be fixed!!!  He repeated the I'm an adult comment and then said, "now do I have to git a lawn service out there or are YOU gonna do it???"  WTF???  Didn't I just TELL him I'd DO it when the lawnmower was FIXED???  He don't have to THREATEN me dangit!!!  So I told him It'd be done in a day or two!  But apparantly our mower aint gonna be fixed soon...so I'll have to BORROW one from someone!!!  What a pain in tha ASS!!!  But that's the joys of RENTING I guess!!!  But if he's gonna keep threatnin ME...I've got a little THREAT I'd like to give HIM!!!  I have saved on my voice mail on my phone of him sayin he needed somethin outta the garage, and he was gonna ring my doorbell and if I didn't answer he would just go in the garage and git it himself!!!  Well I was CAMPIN when he made this call...and uhhhh...this is still MY house while I'm payin HIS mortgage on it...right?  He cannot enter these premises without a 24 hour NOTICE and especially when I'm NOT HERE!!  Am I right???  I think I can SUE him for that can't I?  Yes...I believe SO!!!  I just want him to leave me ALONE until I move and give me my deposit back...that's all!!  I don't want no trouble!  I'm REALLY not that hard to git along with!  I've done EVERYTHING he's asked me to do!  I have some things that aren't workin right that I've told him about and he's FAILED to fix!  He just looked at it...scratched his head and said well let me know if it keeps happenin!  Well now I have a bunch of clothes that are ruined cuz they all got wet cuz he didn't fix the problem!!!!  I thought he was gonna be a great landlord when I met him...but boy was I wrong!  I guess he WAS till he tried to play dirty and RAISE my rent and then try to BLACKMAIL me with it!!! 

So enough about THAT!!!  So that's pretty much been what's goin on with me these last few weeks!  I've been ordered by my therapist to keep writin so I'll keep writin on a regular basis and let ya'll know how the house huntin is goin!!!  Pray for a MIRACLE!!!!  I don't want to be HOMELESS in 3 weeks!!!  Take care of yerselves!!!

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

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[Rachie]

I Love You xoxo