I'm SO scared right now. How am I suppose to go through all these changes that I'm gittin ready to face, ALONE?! I mean I KNOW I have my friends and they'll support me. But when I say ALONE I mean without Paul? He's been my ROCK for 12 YEARS! Actually 13 years. We're about to have our 12 year anniversary. It's gonna be a GREAT anniversary huh! He's done some fucked up things to me over the years. But he's still BEEN there and been a part of my life! I'm sittin here and the reality of everything that's gittin ready to change in my life hit me like a ton of lead! I'm SCARED TO DEATH! I'm worried about crammin me and my three kids into a 2 bedroom house...but hey...at least I've got a place to live right? But once again I wouldn't have that without the help of Paul! I'm scared of standin on my own two feet. That sounds STUPID I know...but it's the TRUTH. But I've done it before and I KNOW I can do it again. But what scares me the MOST is when I go to this psychiatrist on Wednesday and you KNOW she's gonna put me on antidepressants. As I've been sittin here goin over the past 15 years of my life I've always felt that I was kind of a lazy person and I was embarrassed by that. I see people just go go goin and always thought "how do they do that and where do they git their energy from?" I've always kept my curtains pulled, I was once accused of isolating myself. I've NEVER really been much of a "domestic goddess" I don't like to clean (but who does?) And I've always really liked to SLEEP! I guess that's one MAJOR form of depression! I feel defeated alot of the time. I don't follow through on any task. The ONLY thing I've done well in my life is Karaoke! That's the ONE thing that I KNOW I do great at. But here's the thing. I've been takin diet pills for the past 8 years of my life. I've TRIED to stop takin them SEVERAL times...but every time that I stop, I crash HARD! I do NOTHING but SLEEP! Then he would complain that the house was pitted and what have I done all day while he's out workin his ass off?! So I'd take my diet pills so I'd have the energy to git up and clean! I'm in NO way blamming HIM for that...it's all ME! I've been AFFRAID to git off them cuz I won't have the energy I need to do what needs to be done. But when I look back they haven't really done all that much for me anyway. They SURE haven't made me lose any weight! This seperation has though! I've lost 20 pounds now! That SUCKS that it took THAT to make me loose weight! Cuz god forbid I should git off my LAZY ass and EXCERSICE!!! So what I'm MOST scared of now is gittin off those pills and bein put on medication that might actually do me some GOOD! The diet pills make me paranoid and kinda skitzo! But I still take them. If this new medication works for me how am I gonna know what it is to feel NORMAL?! What IS normal? For ME normal is being a paranoid, jealous, lazy, lunatic! When I'm doin Karaoke and I'm up there jumpin around and bein all goofy, people always ask me where I git my energy from. Well now everyone KNOWS! What if I git off these pills and I'm not like that anymore?! What if my bubbly personality goes away?! I KNOW I have THAT even without the pills! But what if this NEW stuff takes it away? I don't know HOW to be off stimulants! Right now I'm in PANIC mode! My head is spinnin and my thoughts are goin 1,000 miles a minute! I'm FREAKIN OUT!!! Don't git me wrong...HE has done PLENTY to make me jealous and paranoid and untrusting. But I do believe there were times that he DIDN'T deserve my accusations and jealous rages. I've let HIM dictate my happiness. That's one of the things I learned in my last counseling session. I have to decide how my OWN life is gonna go and NOT worry about what HE'S doin or who he's with. I can't control HIM! But I CAN control MYSELF...and I haven't been doin that! I've become SO dependant on HIM for EVERYTHING...INCLUDING my happiness! My counselor said that I've kinda turned into my exhusband! OMG!!! I HAVE!!! And HE'S kinda PATHETIC!!! THAT'S what REALLY made the light come on in my head! I couldn't be with HIM cuz he was so NEEDY and CLINGY! Have I REALLY turned into THAT???!!! NOW I know what Paul always meant when he would tell me to STEP UP!!! I use to just scratch my head and think...what tha hell does he MEAN by that?! DANG! How do I STOP doin that? When did I BECOME like that?! I don't BLAME him for not wantin to be with me anymore! Hell I couldn't be with my LAST husband because of THAT! I'm just so fucking SCARED! It took everything I HAD to make that tape and send it into the Ellen show! Because I was CONFIDENT enough in myself to KNOW that I was PERFECT for that job. I had NO doubt they would call me...but I never heard back from them, so that just kinda made me feel DEFEATED again! I've FAILED at everything I've EVER tried to do before. THAT'S why I don't finish things I start. Cuz I don't want to FAIL again! I've only got 1 1/2 semesters before I git my Associates Degree in college but I couldn't pass the Algebra (even with a tutor) so I just GAVE UP! I took that dang class THREE times! I got it in my head but I couldn't seem to write it on paper. WTF?!! I REALLY want to take dance lessons...but I'm too affraid I'm gonna SUCK! But I'm HOPIN that this psychiatrist can help me git through these fears and git me on the right track. I'm PRAYING for that! SOMETHIN has GOT to change! I can't live like this ANYMORE! I WANT to feel what I THINK normal feels like! Okay...now you ALL know what a loony I REALLY am! Do ya still love me anyway? Writin all this down for the whole WORLD to see was probably the most DIFFICULT thing I've EVER done! NOONE wants to put themselves out there completely EXPOSED so EVERYONE knows your inner most fears and FAILURES! Unless yer a JERRY SPRINGER NUT JOB! I don't think I've gotten to THAT point yet! HA! But this is part of my therapy! All the friends that I USUALLY pile my crap on is outta town and I've just felt TOTALLY ALONE! Paul wouldn't talk to me all week so I had NOONE that I could cry to except all of YOU! Writing my feelings down DOES really help though! I DID git ONE piece of good news today though that took the WORLD off my chest a little. I DON'T have to be out by the first of July. I have till the END of July! WHEW! I was dreadin havin to ask him for a few extra days cuz the guy that's livin in the house I'm rentin won't be out til the 30th! You just don't KNOW what a load off that was! My landlord said he'd even keep an eye for me for a bigger house! That was nice of him! I REALLY wish he'd just let me stay HERE! Maybe I could ASK him! But I doubt it! All the while he was raggin me about the lawn! OMG!!! So it's not PERFECT! I had to BORROW a mower cuz mine broke and it needs to be edged. But it's by NO means unpresentable like he keeps tellin me! GIT OFF MY ASS MAN!!! As MUCH as I would LOVE to stay here...I want to git away from HIM just as bad! He lives RIGHT next door...so he's ALWAYS around! Ahhhhh!!! He left us alone until it got warmer outside and I took my lease to my divorce attorney which happens to be his EXWIFES attorney. I guess he was tellin her that we only paid $1,000 a month so he wouldn't have to pay more child support! But when I showed her my lease she found out that that WASN'T the case...we were payin quite a bit more! So I'm SURE his child support went up! So he's had it in for me ever since! He shouldn't have tried to raise my rent illegally! It's that damned ol CARMA! It came around and bit him in tha ASS!!! Well I've stopped cryin now and feelin sorry for myself! YEP...tha PITTY PARTY has left tha building! For awhile anyway! I'm SURE it'll be back soon! So stand by and watch my NEW life unfold! This should be interesting!!! Take care of yerself AND eachother! Ain't that what Springer says at the end of all his shows?! LOL!!!
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!
Ang, I am sorry I left you during your time off need, but I am still there for you in spirit and I am reading the blog and sending you good energies. You know did you ever think you haven't finished anything because they weren't the right htings for you, thats not failure thats intelligence. You can do this and you will do this and you'll be stronger on the other side and a better woman for it, and crazy sane or somewhere in between your friends who really ar e the family you've chosen will be there for you, just don't count on any of us to be sane :) and if the anti depressents sap your wonderful personality I will tell you loudly and in no uncertain terms to stop taking them and find another method of dealing and I will take dance lessons with you so will Cheryl, and we can all suck together or maybe we'll be kick ass and everyone will be blown away, I leave here Friday and should be home sometime Sat so if I can I will come out Sat night and see you. you were strong before Paul you will be strong after Paul. and once you establish your own sense of self and sense of happiness than no one can take it away, ever!!!
totally seperate from anything Capri if you read this I forgot my phone numbers at home to call you but please mail the templates, thanks :)
Posted by: kitty | June 18, 2006 at 08:22 PM